Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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