and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
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I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want nice things and good sex
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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