seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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