Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
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I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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