theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize