I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
