Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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