Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
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Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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