forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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