he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
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The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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