Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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