Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
two words: eviction party
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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