Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sext me about skeletons
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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