He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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