Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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