I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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