So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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