she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize