Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
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