My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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