I faked an abortion last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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