we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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