I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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