How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
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So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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