He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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