I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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