I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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