On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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