My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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