Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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