Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As shirtless as possible
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize