I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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