I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize