My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need to calm my uterus...
not ubering you a puppy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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