he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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