i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
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He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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