sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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