if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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