Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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