how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
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he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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