No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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