just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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