you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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