Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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