Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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