i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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