walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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