I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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