My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
