I looked at my own cervix.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
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I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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